people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
