Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
