I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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