You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Randomize
