her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Randomize
