I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
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He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
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Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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