my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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