Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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