I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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