I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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