You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
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He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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