I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
