I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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