I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
