Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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