I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
