Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
