I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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