Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
