He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
me + whiskey = a bad person
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
