I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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