Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
