And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
