how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Randomize
