I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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