i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
