i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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