True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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