FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
