new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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