While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
