The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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