you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
