Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i love accidental penises.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
