he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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