have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
