so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Bring me that man meat
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
