never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
