I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
