That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
