Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
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heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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