Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
