Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
