So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
