i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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