You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Houston, we have a squirter
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
