she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
