I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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