my mouth tastes like poor choices
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
