nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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