i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
