I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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