Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
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