non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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