im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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