My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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