I wish my penis had an off switch
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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