The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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