I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
