I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
